Monday, February 17, 2014

HOPELESS, maybe not?

This part was in the middle of my breakdown on Sunday 17, 2014. It is painful to re-read and talk about but I have to do it to move on...


My life seems so hopeless right now.  *** EDIT-- not so bad now***

I can't come out to my local family and friends.
It seems I have been causing others to be upset by the things I am posting in the G+ and FB groups I have been in. I realize that I shouldn't let what others say affect me so bad but I have always been this way. 

  My first ever emotional relationship ended after about a week by being crushed. My words have caused discord and distress in others.

 I am totally at a loss. How can I have hope when there appears there isn't any. 
                                                                          ***EDIT - I now see some***
 I tried contacting my therapist but her phone just keeps saying its out of range... GAHHH!!!!!!!! I forgot she was on sabbatical in Africa for at least 8 more days.

It terrifies me but for the first time in almost 2 years I am considering ending it all.
I am beginning to not care about anyone or anything now no reason to because no one really cares about me. A lot of people say they do but my soul has been so damaged that I have trouble believing anyone.   *** EDIT - No longer considering harming myself***

 Thanks to the many friends, I didn't realize actually cared for me: Shannon, Cassandria, Ashley,  Angel, Michelle(G+), Mackenzie, Kendahl and Sarah, Jane, Michelle(FB), and DeAnna, I do owe them my heart and soul. They stuck with me in a VERY tough and dark time. Their kind and actually some stern words knocked some sense into me. I love them all. I probably missed a few I love and thank all the men and women in the communities I am in both on G+ and mostly Facebook.

I know I sounded like I was suicidal, while partly so, I could not do that, I have to take care of my mother and brother, they are the only physical connection I have to this world and I them.

Thank everyone for their concern it truly means the world to me.

I mainly want to thank my DEAR friend and who I consider my sister and my guardian angel, Shannon, without her encouragement I could never have climbed out of this dark dank well I was stuck in. She spent most of her day talking me out of the Dark. I could see it was hurting her to.
<---- This is how I see Shannon right now.

If any of my words in the past, now or future bother someone please confront me privately, I do not want any of my friends brought into things, I have caused them enough stress. I know they try and protect me but in doing so conflict starts and it crushes me.


Enough ranting for one night, Thank you for reading and being the light in my darkness.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


I've always been interested in girls/women. But my lack of confidence and the fact that I always felt I was broken and worthless kept me from it. Every time I tried talking to someone I was interested in they snubbed me off, which in my mind confirmed my feelings.  I now realize this isn't true, I love myself more and more every day thanks to the realization of my gender dysphoria and all my GREAT and WONDERFUL friends on G+ and FB.

This caused me to shy away from most interpersonal contact between me and anyone else. I never had the opportunity or for that fact I never wanted intimate relations with anyone. So YES I AM A VIRGIN,  partly by choice mostly by not caring.

Recently thanks to HRT, my emotions are coming in line with my true gender, I feel much more then I ever did. I cry over the slightest touching events on tv or real life, it's hard to hide sometimes. Mom seen me crying once and laughed at me.

Like my last post said, I found a new part of my being last week through the guise of some 'TROLL' who acted like he cared for me.. YES HE!!!.. Never in my entire life had I had feelings like that, let alone for a man. Even though he crushed me, I thank him for opening up my soul to have interest in bisexual relationships. Now I love both men and women, I see them passing and from time to time my heart skips a beat when they pass. Mom sees me looking at women thinking I would like to date them, while actually most of the time I think, "I want that outfit".. or "I would kill for her body.".. while some I would like to get to know them.

I realize I am 47, not getting any younger, but somewhere that little bomb will go off and I will meet someone who actually cares for me too. I hope it's soon hehe. I want to feel that way again. I WILL be more careful next time.

Enough ranting for now.. LOVE You all and thank you for reading my mumbling.


Monday, February 10, 2014

Shopping therapy..

I decided earlier that as a result of my heartbreak, that I deserved something for me, my first little black dress..
Was hard to smile but I think I deserved it. 

Sunday, February 9, 2014

BAD/good Experience this weekend.

Started out last week adding a few new friends on Facebook. One friend in particular I hit it off with really well<so it seemed>.
 I know I am still naive on relationships, short history here I will go into more depth in my next post:
    I am 47 years old, and never been with anyone in a non platonic relationship, friends/family type, YES I am still a virgin as hard as that is to believe.

I've never considered a relationship with a male, but this guy floored me. He had my head so high in the clouds I could hardly think. Nobody ever treated me the way he did the first few days. We talked for several hours each day, I was careful not to divulge too much private information, as in my address, phone or anything that I considered too personal for a new acquaintance.  Again I am M2F what I considered a lesbian, never gave it a thought about liking a male.  Well here it comes, on Saturday he offered to buy me a phone and use his plan so we could talk voice to voice.  RED FLAG for me.. that would open me up to 1) owing him for the phone, 2) allow him to use the phone's GPS to find me RL.
  My senior thesis of my Bachelors degree was in network security, so I understand how EASY it is for someone to track you.
I told him that I couldn't do that, I hate phones. He told me how beautiful I was ..'wow I was turned on with that'  We exchanged messages for hours more. He was SMOOOTTHHHH!!.
I was so giddy and happy. Saturday, ..the next day.. things changed. He seemed to get frustrated that I wouldn't open up more to him. Then later that evening after I got back on from going to the store, I came on to a picture of an underwear/nylon clad crotch of a woman, this was clearly subversively taken under a table at a restaurant. I thought to myself WHOAH, major turn off. Yes I love girls, but this was a perverted act that scared me nearly witless. If he could do that to some unsuspecting date or just doing that period, what would he do to me if we met.  I've heard stories and they terrify me.

Needless to say my heart is broken because the my first lustful experience was crushed. I cried all night, and if it wasn't for my many friends online, most of which I consider family now, I would probably need counselling or even suicide watch.  I love you all. I am much better today though.

Now to the good thing, I learned that I couldn't only be interested in women. I found out that I could have a deep relationship with a guy too. Time to change my likes to Bi instead of female only.
     That's all for this rant.. LOVE all my dear friends here and Thank you all for your support and caring as well as your trust in me.

Sunday, February 2, 2014


Thank you for the interest.
I am no good at writing so I will give it a try.

For those of you still interested, who I am.

   My true name "not my given name I always hated that' is Laycie Lynn, but you can call me Lace. The name comes from my love of frilly things and my true middle name which I always loved. I am a child of the 80s hair spray bands and mullets, but that doesn't effect my taste in music. I love nearly all types of music - classic to country, southern rock to deth metal to dubstep.
I live and have lived all my life in a small rural community in Southern Ohio, a lot of hard core religious types here, including most my family. That being said I have always been terrified that if I came out as who I really am I would be ridiculed and persecuted to the point my cousin was.
   My cousin's name was Bill. Right after he graduated from high school he came out to the family that he was in love with another man, my family shunned him and made him feel like he was worthless and the spawn of satan... He moved to Columbus because there is a open gay community there. He got Hepatitis or something HIV related and died, only a few of my family even mourned him, I still miss him to this day over 20 years later. Most were happy that the 'SINNER' was gone from the family. 
  This is why I, at the current time, can not go full time as myself. I take care of my CLOSED minded elderly mother and younger handicapped brother who I love with all my heart. I would leave but back in 2002 I made my late dad a promise that no matter what, I would personally take care of them, I NEVER break a promise intentionally, which is why I NEVER promise anything anymore.

   From the age of 5 or so I wanted to play with dolls, wear dresses do the stuff other girls done, by my body and family said otherwise. I would sneak some of mom's dresses to bed with me and wear them to sleep praying that I would wake up a girl. One day mom woke me up to go to school and seen me in her dress, well I had a beating coming there, "No child of mine is gonna be a damn queer!" right before my first lick with a leather belt. It wasn't till high school that I had a friend that was a boy, when all my best friends <girls> started puberty and noticing boys, none ever seen me as anything but a buddy.

  I went through college for my associates and bachelors degrees in electronics and computers. Even then most of my buddies were girls, yet again none seen me as anything but a buddy. Classes took my mind off my dysphoria, too much course work and activities, I was on the student senate, and the event planning board,  my last 3 years I worked in the engineering building on networking and computer repair.
  After I graduated it set in again harder then ever, why am I cursed to be in this ugly body that isn't really me? I considered self castration. Started on herbal hormones from a place in Colorado, they eased me some but just weren't what my body was craving. About 3 years ago I decided to give in to the world, Started exercising lost about 70 pounds, 270 down to 199. I figured I should just try and look like my body said I was. Went to GNC and got some supplements and T-Boosters, BIG MISTAKE... my body said HELL NO!!!!, my dysphoria kicked in TURBO... I quickly became COCKY and VERY Violent and mean I wanted to rip any one's head off that I came across. My brother done something, I can't remember what, and I snapped I went at him then caught myself.. I locked myself in my bedroom for 2 days only coming out to use bathroom and get water, I cried all that time. No more supplements for me.
  About a month after that snap I tied a rope to the doorknob and looped it over my pull up bar, made a noose on the end and put it around my neck while standing on a stool, I jumped, fortunately my knot skills suck the rope slipped loose. About 3 months later I done this again same result. I came to realize maybe I am here for some other reason.  Back in 2012 I found a college buddy on Facebook who I remember was studying to be a psychologist, sent her a friend request and she accepted, we started chatting and she remembers a lot of my struggles in the past, we've been Skyping a lot and she offered to help me. Therapy and just so happens she also got her PHD in endocrinology too.. OMG awesome.. She started me on the road to being myself. I can not tell her name so she doesn't get in trouble for treating someone out of country, she is married now and practices somewhere in Canada. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She is there several times a week, she even gets me my HRT and blood work.
Since we re-kindled our friendship I have been so at peace with myself. Now I no longer have any suicidal or homicidal thoughts, my body is changing at a slow pace that we agree is the best for me due to my living conditions. We are keeping my levels in check on the lowest safe end of normal female levels.
   I will post more as I get the nerve.
   Hope I didn't scare anyone away.

Love you all!!
       Laycie Lynn.