A STRANGE NEW WORLD....

A Strange New World.......




Lines are blurring,
Borders are being crossed,
Walls are falling,
Worlds are colliding,
Friends are being made,
Times are changing,
Connections being made,
Finding myself,
Peace is coming,

I am finally learning to be myself.






I was just sitting talking to a family member and this little tid-bit popped out in my status.. I didn't even realize what I was typing, it just appeared as my fingers were moving.  After reading It says a lot of how my world is working out of late.  Starting in chaos and ending in clarity...

Broken but not gone.

OK here goes......


   Like I have said before my dysphoria  started around the age of 5.


    I would see other girls playing with dolls and wearing frilly clothes and I dreamed of this myself. I always knew that I wasn't really a boy, sure I had the parts but inside I was a girl. No one but me seen this. This is part of where I lost faith in God, I would go to bed and put on one of mom's dresses and cry and pray to God that when I woke up I would be the girl I knew I was. I would wake up crying again asking why doesn't God love me and fix what was broken.


  I went through grade school hurting because I couldn't be the girl that I knew was inside me. All my best friends were girls clear through 7th grade or so. I could never bring myself to see girls as anything but friends, and to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to several of the boys in my classes would have resulted in more pain and hurt then I was already suffering. Not to mention the beatings and verbal abuse my parents and the rest of my family would have given me.
 
  This went on till 10th grade in gym class. That year we had a foreign exchange student from Brazil, he was on the Brazilian national soccer team.  I attempted to block a kick from just inside of mid field and I took the full force of his kick right in my genitals.  Unlike other times when I was kicked or hit there, this time it didn't hurt, it was just a dull ache that gave me minor discomfort.  I was tender for like 2 weeks, after that eased I found out that nothing worked down there. I couldn't get aroused no matter how much I tried... None of the other forms of stimulation done anything either. 


  Now not only did I feel inside that I was broken, I was broken down below too.  I could no longer pretend to be a boy. This was almost crippling to my soul. Yet again another thing God used to hurt me..  I could now never be with a girl, because I couldn't fulfill her needs. I felt even more broken then ever before.  I went through college and all my adult life this way.


Last year I had kidney stones and the ER done an ultrasound and CT scan of my lower abdomen and genitals, they said that the nerves controlling those parts were severed. This explained why nothing works. I hope if/when I do get GCS they can do something to get function down there.


All these things have led to my lack of any real emotional or physical relationships.  Estrogen, although my parts aren't fixed, has started some feeling there which has been amazing.. Still no orgasms yet but I am emotionally aroused now. This is an amazing feeling.  I don't know if this is a real feeling or just emotions making me thing it's real, but I like it.  I can't self stimulate but I see certain things both guys and girls I get kind of a tingly feeling down below. 


  A few weeks ago I was driving over to visit and exercise with my cousin when this young <mid 20s> man was working out in his yard, no shirt on. You rarely see guys that age around here that aren't 300 pounds and almost never one actually working outside. He was hot and sweaty, very buff and had  a nice tan, OMG... He looked up at me as I drove by and smiled.. I almost had to hit the brakes. LOL that feeling hit me like a 2x4. It is kind of scary that that can hit while driving, I now need to keep my eye on the road a little better HEHE.

Lookout PANDORA!!!!!!

Sorry I have not posted in a while. Been tackling some other issues in my life.


I have an awesome story here, yes it is true.


Last month I started digging into makeup and learning some tricks to make my face look more female. Covering my beard shadow, applying foundation and concealer, brow shaping, eye makeup, etc.... 






This has been building my confidence in my ability to go into the public with minimal risk of being made fun of or worse..











  My aunt  has sent me some nice clothes she didn't sell in her yard sale, so I also have been experimenting on some fashion.  Well even though I still suck, hehe, I am building my courage up. 

I recently joined a group on Facebook called Transgender Beauty Network. this is an awesome group of people dedicated to help those like me build confidence and skills in the fine art of makeup. Most of the products are way out of my VERY low income budget but I managed to put together a decent kit. Brushes, primer, foundation, concealer, matte powder, blush, lipstick mascara, liner and shadow.

One of the administrators sort of adopted me, she has been an amazing inspiration. I have been talking to Tammy for a while now, and it seems we both love fishing on the piers. A few months back I mentioned that I was planning on going down to Atlantic Beach, NC.. fishing on Oceanana pier.

Well last week I told her that I would be there the week of the 12th. She had a few appointments on the 12th and 13th but was able to come down on the 14th.
I packed my fishing gear and my clothes, and decided to take a simple outfit with me as well as my makeup kit and see if she could help me figure out how to do my eyes. My liner skills SUCK!!!!... I just wanted to get some pictures of me done up right.
On the 14th, I met her on the pier and we talked for a while.. before deciding to go out to eat somewhere. I mentioned the restaurant across the street.
After we got to her room she helped me with some great ways to do my blush and eyes. After we got my makeup done I put on my outfit and it looked good to me..





















So good we decided it was time that I make my first public appearance without my old self mask on, as the woman I have always been on the inside. 

    We walked across the street and went inside. The experience was very scary and quite exhilarating. I was shaking the whole night inside but it got easier after about a half hour.
After we got seated the waitress asked us what would you ladies like to drink. WOW that felt great ladies, that was like WOW. Well like nothing I ever felt in my 47 years pretending to be someone I wasn't just to conform to the social norm.
It was an incredible time. Nobody questioned my gender or gave any uncomfortable looks or remarks. Even the managers seen me for who I really am, Laycie.

 
The meal was excellent but the company was better. I owe Tammy my deepest thanks and respect for her journey as well.... Without her it would have been years till I realized this life goal.
My next goal will be to come out to everyone else as well as to start living full time without the mask given me by my parents.

I AM WOMAN, I AM LAYCIE LYNN ADAMS....


After tonight, the 'Pandora's Box' has been opened.

HOPELESS, maybe not?

This part was in the middle of my breakdown on Sunday 17, 2014. It is painful to re-read and talk about but I have to do it to move on...
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HEY I'M DOWN HERE...HELP!!!!!

My life seems so hopeless right now.  *** EDIT-- not so bad now***

I can't come out to my local family and friends.
 
It seems I have been causing others to be upset by the things I am posting in the G+ and FB groups I have been in. I realize that I shouldn't let what others say affect me so bad but I have always been this way. 

  My first ever emotional relationship ended after about a week by being crushed. My words have caused discord and distress in others.

 I am totally at a loss. How can I have hope when there appears there isn't any. 
                                                                          ***EDIT - I now see some***
 I tried contacting my therapist but her phone just keeps saying its out of range... GAHHH!!!!!!!! I forgot she was on sabbatical in Africa for at least 8 more days.

It terrifies me but for the first time in almost 2 years I am considering ending it all.
I am beginning to not care about anyone or anything now no reason to because no one really cares about me. A lot of people say they do but my soul has been so damaged that I have trouble believing anyone.   *** EDIT - No longer considering harming myself***


UPDATE:
 Thanks to the many friends, I didn't realize actually cared for me: Shannon, Cassandria, Ashley,  Angel, Michelle(G+), Mackenzie, Kendahl and Sarah, Jane, Michelle(FB), and DeAnna, I do owe them my heart and soul. They stuck with me in a VERY tough and dark time. Their kind and actually some stern words knocked some sense into me. I love them all. I probably missed a few I love and thank all the men and women in the communities I am in both on G+ and mostly Facebook.

I know I sounded like I was suicidal, while partly so, I could not do that, I have to take care of my mother and brother, they are the only physical connection I have to this world and I them.

Thank everyone for their concern it truly means the world to me.

I mainly want to thank my DEAR friend and who I consider my sister and my guardian angel, Shannon, without her encouragement I could never have climbed out of this dark dank well I was stuck in. She spent most of her day talking me out of the Dark. I could see it was hurting her to.
<---- This is how I see Shannon right now.


If any of my words in the past, now or future bother someone please confront me privately, I do not want any of my friends brought into things, I have caused them enough stress. I know they try and protect me but in doing so conflict starts and it crushes me.


+++++OMITTED+++++






Enough ranting for one night, Thank you for reading and being the light in my darkness.

NEVER BEEN KISSED

I've always been interested in girls/women. But my lack of confidence and the fact that I always felt I was broken and worthless kept me from it. Every time I tried talking to someone I was interested in they snubbed me off, which in my mind confirmed my feelings.  I now realize this isn't true, I love myself more and more every day thanks to the realization of my gender dysphoria and all my GREAT and WONDERFUL friends on G+ and FB.

This caused me to shy away from most interpersonal contact between me and anyone else. I never had the opportunity or for that fact I never wanted intimate relations with anyone. So YES I AM A VIRGIN,  partly by choice mostly by not caring.

Recently thanks to HRT, my emotions are coming in line with my true gender, I feel much more then I ever did. I cry over the slightest touching events on tv or real life, it's hard to hide sometimes. Mom seen me crying once and laughed at me.

Like my last post said, I found a new part of my being last week through the guise of some 'TROLL' who acted like he cared for me.. YES HE!!!.. Never in my entire life had I had feelings like that, let alone for a man. Even though he crushed me, I thank him for opening up my soul to have interest in bisexual relationships. Now I love both men and women, I see them passing and from time to time my heart skips a beat when they pass. Mom sees me looking at women thinking I would like to date them, while actually most of the time I think, "I want that outfit".. or "I would kill for her body.".. while some I would like to get to know them.

I realize I am 47, not getting any younger, but somewhere that little bomb will go off and I will meet someone who actually cares for me too. I hope it's soon hehe. I want to feel that way again. I WILL be more careful next time.

Enough ranting for now.. LOVE You all and thank you for reading my mumbling.


XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Shopping therapy..

I decided earlier that as a result of my heartbreak, that I deserved something for me, my first little black dress..

 

 

 

Was hard to smile but I think I deserved it. 

BAD/good Experience this weekend.

Started out last week adding a few new friends on Facebook. One friend in particular I hit it off with really well<so it seemed>.
 I know I am still naive on relationships, short history here I will go into more depth in my next post:
    I am 47 years old, and never been with anyone in a non platonic relationship, friends/family type, YES I am still a virgin as hard as that is to believe.

I've never considered a relationship with a male, but this guy floored me. He had my head so high in the clouds I could hardly think. Nobody ever treated me the way he did the first few days. We talked for several hours each day, I was careful not to divulge too much private information, as in my address, phone or anything that I considered too personal for a new acquaintance.  Again I am M2F what I considered a lesbian, never gave it a thought about liking a male.  Well here it comes, on Saturday he offered to buy me a phone and use his plan so we could talk voice to voice.  RED FLAG for me.. that would open me up to 1) owing him for the phone, 2) allow him to use the phone's GPS to find me RL.
  My senior thesis of my Bachelors degree was in network security, so I understand how EASY it is for someone to track you.
 
I told him that I couldn't do that, I hate phones. He told me how beautiful I was ..'wow I was turned on with that'  We exchanged messages for hours more. He was SMOOOTTHHHH!!.
I was so giddy and happy. Saturday, ..the next day.. things changed. He seemed to get frustrated that I wouldn't open up more to him. Then later that evening after I got back on from going to the store, I came on to a picture of an underwear/nylon clad crotch of a woman, this was clearly subversively taken under a table at a restaurant. I thought to myself WHOAH, major turn off. Yes I love girls, but this was a perverted act that scared me nearly witless. If he could do that to some unsuspecting date or just doing that period, what would he do to me if we met.  I've heard stories and they terrify me.

Needless to say my heart is broken because the my first lustful experience was crushed. I cried all night, and if it wasn't for my many friends online, most of which I consider family now, I would probably need counselling or even suicide watch.  I love you all. I am much better today though.

Now to the good thing, I learned that I couldn't only be interested in women. I found out that I could have a deep relationship with a guy too. Time to change my likes to Bi instead of female only.
    
     That's all for this rant.. LOVE all my dear friends here and Thank you all for your support and caring as well as your trust in me.