Sunday, May 25, 2014


A Strange New World.......

Lines are blurring,
Borders are being crossed,
Walls are falling,
Worlds are colliding,
Friends are being made,
Times are changing,
Connections being made,
Finding myself,
Peace is coming,

I am finally learning to be myself.

I was just sitting talking to a family member and this little tid-bit popped out in my status.. I didn't even realize what I was typing, it just appeared as my fingers were moving.  After reading It says a lot of how my world is working out of late.  Starting in chaos and ending in clarity...

Friday, May 23, 2014

Broken but not gone.

OK here goes......

   Like I have said before my dysphoria  started around the age of 5.

    I would see other girls playing with dolls and wearing frilly clothes and I dreamed of this myself. I always knew that I wasn't really a boy, sure I had the parts but inside I was a girl. No one but me seen this. This is part of where I lost faith in God, I would go to bed and put on one of mom's dresses and cry and pray to God that when I woke up I would be the girl I knew I was. I would wake up crying again asking why doesn't God love me and fix what was broken.

  I went through grade school hurting because I couldn't be the girl that I knew was inside me. All my best friends were girls clear through 7th grade or so. I could never bring myself to see girls as anything but friends, and to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to several of the boys in my classes would have resulted in more pain and hurt then I was already suffering. Not to mention the beatings and verbal abuse my parents and the rest of my family would have given me.
  This went on till 10th grade in gym class. That year we had a foreign exchange student from Brazil, he was on the Brazilian national soccer team.  I attempted to block a kick from just inside of mid field and I took the full force of his kick right in my genitals.  Unlike other times when I was kicked or hit there, this time it didn't hurt, it was just a dull ache that gave me minor discomfort.  I was tender for like 2 weeks, after that eased I found out that nothing worked down there. I couldn't get aroused no matter how much I tried... None of the other forms of stimulation done anything either. 

  Now not only did I feel inside that I was broken, I was broken down below too.  I could no longer pretend to be a boy. This was almost crippling to my soul. Yet again another thing God used to hurt me..  I could now never be with a girl, because I couldn't fulfill her needs. I felt even more broken then ever before.  I went through college and all my adult life this way.

Last year I had kidney stones and the ER done an ultrasound and CT scan of my lower abdomen and genitals, they said that the nerves controlling those parts were severed. This explained why nothing works. I hope if/when I do get GCS they can do something to get function down there.

All these things have led to my lack of any real emotional or physical relationships.  Estrogen, although my parts aren't fixed, has started some feeling there which has been amazing.. Still no orgasms yet but I am emotionally aroused now. This is an amazing feeling.  I don't know if this is a real feeling or just emotions making me thing it's real, but I like it.  I can't self stimulate but I see certain things both guys and girls I get kind of a tingly feeling down below. 

  A few weeks ago I was driving over to visit and exercise with my cousin when this young <mid 20s> man was working out in his yard, no shirt on. You rarely see guys that age around here that aren't 300 pounds and almost never one actually working outside. He was hot and sweaty, very buff and had  a nice tan, OMG... He looked up at me as I drove by and smiled.. I almost had to hit the brakes. LOL that feeling hit me like a 2x4. It is kind of scary that that can hit while driving, I now need to keep my eye on the road a little better HEHE.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Lookout PANDORA!!!!!!

Sorry I have not posted in a while. Been tackling some other issues in my life.

I have an awesome story here, yes it is true.

Last month I started digging into makeup and learning some tricks to make my face look more female. Covering my beard shadow, applying foundation and concealer, brow shaping, eye makeup, etc.... 

This has been building my confidence in my ability to go into the public with minimal risk of being made fun of or worse..

  My aunt  has sent me some nice clothes she didn't sell in her yard sale, so I also have been experimenting on some fashion.  Well even though I still suck, hehe, I am building my courage up. 

I recently joined a group on Facebook called Transgender Beauty Network. this is an awesome group of people dedicated to help those like me build confidence and skills in the fine art of makeup. Most of the products are way out of my VERY low income budget but I managed to put together a decent kit. Brushes, primer, foundation, concealer, matte powder, blush, lipstick mascara, liner and shadow.

One of the administrators sort of adopted me, she has been an amazing inspiration. I have been talking to Tammy for a while now, and it seems we both love fishing on the piers. A few months back I mentioned that I was planning on going down to Atlantic Beach, NC.. fishing on Oceanana pier.

Well last week I told her that I would be there the week of the 12th. She had a few appointments on the 12th and 13th but was able to come down on the 14th.
I packed my fishing gear and my clothes, and decided to take a simple outfit with me as well as my makeup kit and see if she could help me figure out how to do my eyes. My liner skills SUCK!!!!... I just wanted to get some pictures of me done up right.
On the 14th, I met her on the pier and we talked for a while.. before deciding to go out to eat somewhere. I mentioned the restaurant across the street.
After we got to her room she helped me with some great ways to do my blush and eyes. After we got my makeup done I put on my outfit and it looked good to me..

So good we decided it was time that I make my first public appearance without my old self mask on, as the woman I have always been on the inside. 

    We walked across the street and went inside. The experience was very scary and quite exhilarating. I was shaking the whole night inside but it got easier after about a half hour.
After we got seated the waitress asked us what would you ladies like to drink. WOW that felt great ladies, that was like WOW. Well like nothing I ever felt in my 47 years pretending to be someone I wasn't just to conform to the social norm.
It was an incredible time. Nobody questioned my gender or gave any uncomfortable looks or remarks. Even the managers seen me for who I really am, Laycie.

The meal was excellent but the company was better. I owe Tammy my deepest thanks and respect for her journey as well.... Without her it would have been years till I realized this life goal.
My next goal will be to come out to everyone else as well as to start living full time without the mask given me by my parents.


After tonight, the 'Pandora's Box' has been opened.