Friday, May 23, 2014

Broken but not gone.

OK here goes......

   Like I have said before my dysphoria  started around the age of 5.

    I would see other girls playing with dolls and wearing frilly clothes and I dreamed of this myself. I always knew that I wasn't really a boy, sure I had the parts but inside I was a girl. No one but me seen this. This is part of where I lost faith in God, I would go to bed and put on one of mom's dresses and cry and pray to God that when I woke up I would be the girl I knew I was. I would wake up crying again asking why doesn't God love me and fix what was broken.

  I went through grade school hurting because I couldn't be the girl that I knew was inside me. All my best friends were girls clear through 7th grade or so. I could never bring myself to see girls as anything but friends, and to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to several of the boys in my classes would have resulted in more pain and hurt then I was already suffering. Not to mention the beatings and verbal abuse my parents and the rest of my family would have given me.
  This went on till 10th grade in gym class. That year we had a foreign exchange student from Brazil, he was on the Brazilian national soccer team.  I attempted to block a kick from just inside of mid field and I took the full force of his kick right in my genitals.  Unlike other times when I was kicked or hit there, this time it didn't hurt, it was just a dull ache that gave me minor discomfort.  I was tender for like 2 weeks, after that eased I found out that nothing worked down there. I couldn't get aroused no matter how much I tried... None of the other forms of stimulation done anything either. 

  Now not only did I feel inside that I was broken, I was broken down below too.  I could no longer pretend to be a boy. This was almost crippling to my soul. Yet again another thing God used to hurt me..  I could now never be with a girl, because I couldn't fulfill her needs. I felt even more broken then ever before.  I went through college and all my adult life this way.

Last year I had kidney stones and the ER done an ultrasound and CT scan of my lower abdomen and genitals, they said that the nerves controlling those parts were severed. This explained why nothing works. I hope if/when I do get GCS they can do something to get function down there.

All these things have led to my lack of any real emotional or physical relationships.  Estrogen, although my parts aren't fixed, has started some feeling there which has been amazing.. Still no orgasms yet but I am emotionally aroused now. This is an amazing feeling.  I don't know if this is a real feeling or just emotions making me thing it's real, but I like it.  I can't self stimulate but I see certain things both guys and girls I get kind of a tingly feeling down below. 

  A few weeks ago I was driving over to visit and exercise with my cousin when this young <mid 20s> man was working out in his yard, no shirt on. You rarely see guys that age around here that aren't 300 pounds and almost never one actually working outside. He was hot and sweaty, very buff and had  a nice tan, OMG... He looked up at me as I drove by and smiled.. I almost had to hit the brakes. LOL that feeling hit me like a 2x4. It is kind of scary that that can hit while driving, I now need to keep my eye on the road a little better HEHE.

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