Intro

Thank you for the interest.
I am no good at writing so I will give it a try.

For those of you still interested, who I am.

   My true name "not my given name I always hated that' is Laycie Lynn, but you can call me Lace. The name comes from my love of frilly things and my true middle name which I always loved. I am a child of the 80s hair spray bands and mullets, but that doesn't effect my taste in music. I love nearly all types of music - classic to country, southern rock to deth metal to dubstep.
I live and have lived all my life in a small rural community in Southern Ohio, a lot of hard core religious types here, including most my family. That being said I have always been terrified that if I came out as who I really am I would be ridiculed and persecuted to the point my cousin was.
   My cousin's name was Bill. Right after he graduated from high school he came out to the family that he was in love with another man, my family shunned him and made him feel like he was worthless and the spawn of satan... He moved to Columbus because there is a open gay community there. He got Hepatitis or something HIV related and died, only a few of my family even mourned him, I still miss him to this day over 20 years later. Most were happy that the 'SINNER' was gone from the family. 
  This is why I, at the current time, can not go full time as myself. I take care of my CLOSED minded elderly mother and younger handicapped brother who I love with all my heart. I would leave but back in 2002 I made my late dad a promise that no matter what, I would personally take care of them, I NEVER break a promise intentionally, which is why I NEVER promise anything anymore.

   From the age of 5 or so I wanted to play with dolls, wear dresses do the stuff other girls done, by my body and family said otherwise. I would sneak some of mom's dresses to bed with me and wear them to sleep praying that I would wake up a girl. One day mom woke me up to go to school and seen me in her dress, well I had a beating coming there, "No child of mine is gonna be a damn queer!" right before my first lick with a leather belt. It wasn't till high school that I had a friend that was a boy, when all my best friends <girls> started puberty and noticing boys, none ever seen me as anything but a buddy.

  I went through college for my associates and bachelors degrees in electronics and computers. Even then most of my buddies were girls, yet again none seen me as anything but a buddy. Classes took my mind off my dysphoria, too much course work and activities, I was on the student senate, and the event planning board,  my last 3 years I worked in the engineering building on networking and computer repair.
  After I graduated it set in again harder then ever, why am I cursed to be in this ugly body that isn't really me? I considered self castration. Started on herbal hormones from a place in Colorado, they eased me some but just weren't what my body was craving. About 3 years ago I decided to give in to the world, Started exercising lost about 70 pounds, 270 down to 199. I figured I should just try and look like my body said I was. Went to GNC and got some supplements and T-Boosters, BIG MISTAKE... my body said HELL NO!!!!, my dysphoria kicked in TURBO... I quickly became COCKY and VERY Violent and mean I wanted to rip any one's head off that I came across. My brother done something, I can't remember what, and I snapped I went at him then caught myself.. I locked myself in my bedroom for 2 days only coming out to use bathroom and get water, I cried all that time. No more supplements for me.
  About a month after that snap I tied a rope to the doorknob and looped it over my pull up bar, made a noose on the end and put it around my neck while standing on a stool, I jumped, fortunately my knot skills suck the rope slipped loose. About 3 months later I done this again same result. I came to realize maybe I am here for some other reason.  Back in 2012 I found a college buddy on Facebook who I remember was studying to be a psychologist, sent her a friend request and she accepted, we started chatting and she remembers a lot of my struggles in the past, we've been Skyping a lot and she offered to help me. Therapy and just so happens she also got her PHD in endocrinology too.. OMG awesome.. She started me on the road to being myself. I can not tell her name so she doesn't get in trouble for treating someone out of country, she is married now and practices somewhere in Canada. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She is there several times a week, she even gets me my HRT and blood work.
Since we re-kindled our friendship I have been so at peace with myself. Now I no longer have any suicidal or homicidal thoughts, my body is changing at a slow pace that we agree is the best for me due to my living conditions. We are keeping my levels in check on the lowest safe end of normal female levels.
   I will post more as I get the nerve.
   Hope I didn't scare anyone away.

Love you all!!
       Laycie Lynn.