Monday, February 17, 2014

HOPELESS, maybe not?

This part was in the middle of my breakdown on Sunday 17, 2014. It is painful to re-read and talk about but I have to do it to move on...


My life seems so hopeless right now.  *** EDIT-- not so bad now***

I can't come out to my local family and friends.
It seems I have been causing others to be upset by the things I am posting in the G+ and FB groups I have been in. I realize that I shouldn't let what others say affect me so bad but I have always been this way. 

  My first ever emotional relationship ended after about a week by being crushed. My words have caused discord and distress in others.

 I am totally at a loss. How can I have hope when there appears there isn't any. 
                                                                          ***EDIT - I now see some***
 I tried contacting my therapist but her phone just keeps saying its out of range... GAHHH!!!!!!!! I forgot she was on sabbatical in Africa for at least 8 more days.

It terrifies me but for the first time in almost 2 years I am considering ending it all.
I am beginning to not care about anyone or anything now no reason to because no one really cares about me. A lot of people say they do but my soul has been so damaged that I have trouble believing anyone.   *** EDIT - No longer considering harming myself***

 Thanks to the many friends, I didn't realize actually cared for me: Shannon, Cassandria, Ashley,  Angel, Michelle(G+), Mackenzie, Kendahl and Sarah, Jane, Michelle(FB), and DeAnna, I do owe them my heart and soul. They stuck with me in a VERY tough and dark time. Their kind and actually some stern words knocked some sense into me. I love them all. I probably missed a few I love and thank all the men and women in the communities I am in both on G+ and mostly Facebook.

I know I sounded like I was suicidal, while partly so, I could not do that, I have to take care of my mother and brother, they are the only physical connection I have to this world and I them.

Thank everyone for their concern it truly means the world to me.

I mainly want to thank my DEAR friend and who I consider my sister and my guardian angel, Shannon, without her encouragement I could never have climbed out of this dark dank well I was stuck in. She spent most of her day talking me out of the Dark. I could see it was hurting her to.
<---- This is how I see Shannon right now.

If any of my words in the past, now or future bother someone please confront me privately, I do not want any of my friends brought into things, I have caused them enough stress. I know they try and protect me but in doing so conflict starts and it crushes me.


Enough ranting for one night, Thank you for reading and being the light in my darkness.


  1. Please give Shannon a very big hug for bringing you out of that dark place that many of us have been.

    1. I absolutely will Like I said she is my guardian angel, when I fetl like there wasn't any hope or anyone there to reach out for me, I seen her glowing hand reaching down into the darkness to pull me back. Went from one of the darkest times in my life to undoubtedly the best.