SOLO ROAD TRIP

SOLO ROAD TRIP

Today June 16, 2014:  I've been planning this trip for several weeks since I got my state Medicaid, I called and set up an appointment with Dr. Katy Kropf at Ohio University in Athens for the first physical checkup I think since grade school. She was recommended by the Trans Ohio website. It was a long 2 weeks wait.

Woman on a mission.

    Well I woke up early, couldn't really sleep I was so excited,  took a shower and shaved as closely as I could. My mother doesn't know about my transition yet so I had to put my makeup and clothes on in the garage before leaving. It took me about 30 minutes to get myself where I felt half way satisfied.  

Ohio SR 32

   So I donned my shades and hit the road.

The trip takes me roughly 65 minutes depending on traffic and deer movement. It was a peaceful trip, I listened to some music my cousin Betty introduced me to,  Jehne Aiko and 'In this Moment' over my stereo, while contemplating the universe and watching for idiot drivers. hehe

Selfie outside Parks Hall.
Ohio University Athens

I arrived almost 40 minutes early. so I sat out in the van and touched up my makeup, I STILL SUCK at eyes..

OOOH a big mirror.
SELFIE TIME.

I walked in and took the stairs up to the second floor where I met with the receptionist, who was very nice, and checked in. She gave me a stack of papers to read and fill out my medical and personal history, This took me about 18 minutes to complete. That put me waiting about 4 minutes to be taken back to get my weight, height and temperature and pulse oxygen.  The medical assistant then took me back to an exam room and got my Blood pressure and yet again my medical history. These people are great.  I've never been to a place so accepting, my team works with many Transgender patients.

Close up.

I waited about 10 minutes till Dr Kropf came back to meet me, she is a professor and asked if I minded if 2 students sat in on the exam. I said sure no problem. This was about a 20 minute long conversation, again going over my medical history and she wanted me to tell her about my personal history to help understand who I am. This went great she was super nice and did not do anything to make me uncomfortable. The two students were nice as well, one even complemented me on my makeup. Oh and both were named Brittany, hehe one of my favorite nieces is named Brittany. After  our initial consultation concluded she explained how she goes about HRT and transgender care. She works on an informed consent plan, where after the initial consult and examining my blood work I sign a few papers indicating that I know the risks both physically and emotionally about starting on HRT. I go back again in 2 weeks for  the rest of my exam and to let me know how my blood work went. I suspect I will be put on some form of Diabetic medicine as well as the stuff used to counter the side effects of the diabetic pills. Also I suspect that I have a thyroid issue my dad did, but she said my thyroid glands felt normal.

I left the exam room and back to the receptionist for my lab orders and to get my next appointment set up, July 3 - 9:15 am.. Then down to the basement to get my blood drawn.. it took 4 tubes. Again this lady was awesome and so friendly she even showed me how the centrifuge worked.

Tuna sub. Lunch

I left the campus and back on SR 32 on the way I stopped at a Subway for a food, I hadn't eaten in about 14 hours, because I knew I would have blood taken.  I got me a Tuna sub on wheat, with lettuce and light mayonnaise. YUM.  Not being my normal self I ate slowly while reading the papers my doctor gave me to look over. Again nobody said anything or looked at me oddly while eating there. I finished half my sandwich, I was going to get a 6 inch sub but they told me that the foot long was only a dollar more.

Back on the road. I took a slightly different route back because I wanted to see a few sights.

Lake Snowden park.

The first is Lake Snowden, just outside of Athens.. it was storming so I didn't pull in so my picture was bad.

Big Catfish

This is a campground between Welston and Jackson. I thought this big Catfish was cool.

Here are 2 small ponds I've dreamed of fishing for years.

Farm pond off of SR776

Real nice farm pond off SR335

Well back home have to put back on my jeans and Tshirt, loose the heels and wipe the makeup off putting back on my mask.. Back to pretending again. 

Oh I almost forgot, here is the necklace and earrings I picked up last night at Walmart to wear today. 

ANOTHER HURDLE DOWN.

     Started the day with the hope of getting a makeover at the Mall.  My cousin agreed to be there with me as a buddy for both shopping and support for being out in the local area without my mask and shield of protection.. 
  
      I started off running a bit late because it took longer then I planned to put on my makeup <in the van-another first> so I was about a half hour behind schedule. It was fine with my cousin she said she could work over a bit. Her work is basically next door to the mall..

      I arrived in Ashland about 5:30pm, checked my makeup and got out of my minivan. I had a little anxiety shake in my hands, but it was cool, "I AM GOING TO DO THIS".  I walked across the lot and down to the main entrance, careful not to look directly at anyone. I didn't want to give anyone a chance to  say anything.  I seen my cousin sitting in the food court where she said to meet her. I sat down beside her and we chatted a second. We then walked back out to her car to get a purse she is lending me for my first doctors appointment on Monday. I loaded the purse with my billfold, keys, and lipstick. Afterwards we walked back into JCPenneys and into the Sephora section.

Urban Decay collection.

      OMG what nice makeup display, with test samples 
galore, I didn't use because of fear of contamination.  And those prices.. 20 bucks for an eyeliner stick, 31 for some primer... I can't afford this stuff yet.  After browsing for a few minutes I asked one of the girls working there about a makeover for my eyes and she said that there was a 2 week wait and needed an appointment. I can understand the appointment as only 2 girls worked the whole area. Guess this place didn't want my money.

      We left there and went over to the shoe department, yet again higher prices then I could afford but some nice shoes.  We left JCP and walked into the mall hitting all the shoe stores, the best deals I found was at Wet Seals, but I was hesitant buying anything. they had some nice flats and flat sandals. 7 bucks a pair with a buy one get one for 5 bucks.  I may hit there again in the near future.

      We walked some more and went into some ladies clothing stores, this was another first for me. Mom never liked any mall clothes so we never went into any. "Mom wasn't with me today'.. I fell in love with several nice tops and dresses at Body Central http://www.bodycentral.com/, but the sizing is bad for me..lol their XL was about like a 10-12... I'm 14 on tops and 16 on dresses and skirts. Oh well nothing here I can wear. BUT, I now have another weight loss goal, I MUST get down to a 10-12 and get me this one dress/sweater combo it was to die for.. Pink tube dress with a black and white striped hooded sweater. A girl can dream, and dreams can come true if you work hard enough.




      We were in that store and my cousin's work friend texted asking if we were still going to eat. My cousin's feet were killing her after 9hrs working and our hour long jaunt through the mall. I guess heels weren't really made for that long wear. So we left the mall and walked over to Cheddar's Casual Café and waited on her workmate.

YUM Spagsana

       We got a table and was seated. "What would you girls like to drink?" that felt good 'GIRLS' takes some getting used to.  Me and my cousin just asked for water, Soda's are bad and we can't drink because of the 35 minute drive back home for both of us.  After our drinks came and a few minutes longer the waitress came back, "Are you ladies ready to order?"  again elation kept hidden on my part. I had planned on the "Key West Chicken and Shrimp" then I seen something called Spasagna, I LOVE pasta dishes. The dinner was amazing, I could only eat about 60 percent of my meal so I got a take home box to put what was left in it. The food was too good to waste.

     We finished eating and talked for a little after, I explained a few things about my transition to my cousin's co-worker. It was a great time.

Now comes the hurdle, since starting to go into public as my true self, I've had this deep fear of using the Ladies room. I thought I could hold it as long as possible to avoid going into a regular Ladies room or I would go some place to find a single occupancy room. Well my body said "YOU CAN NOT WAIT".  So I asked my cousin where the Ladies room was and then I walked by myself there. I waited till I seen someone come out then I briskly walked into the room, "Great no one is out of a stall".
    I found an open stall and cleaned the seat, sat down and done my business. BIG RELIEF. I finished then stepped out and started washing my hands. Another lady came out of her stall and stood beside me, "I love your top"  I heard. I looked around and I was the only other one there. I looked at her and smiled I said "TY, it has the pink breast cancer cure ribbon embroidered on the side near the hem". We talked for almost a minute. She didn't show any sign of me not passing so I was elated. We finished talking and I touched up my lipstick then went our separate ways.  

     All in all, despite the main goal of a makeover was not reached, the fact that I had the courage to go into the ladies room, it was a major victory. I am now ready for my doctors appointment on June 16.

A STRANGE NEW WORLD....

A Strange New World.......




Lines are blurring,
Borders are being crossed,
Walls are falling,
Worlds are colliding,
Friends are being made,
Times are changing,
Connections being made,
Finding myself,
Peace is coming,

I am finally learning to be myself.






I was just sitting talking to a family member and this little tid-bit popped out in my status.. I didn't even realize what I was typing, it just appeared as my fingers were moving.  After reading It says a lot of how my world is working out of late.  Starting in chaos and ending in clarity...

Broken but not gone.

OK here goes......


   Like I have said before my dysphoria  started around the age of 5.


    I would see other girls playing with dolls and wearing frilly clothes and I dreamed of this myself. I always knew that I wasn't really a boy, sure I had the parts but inside I was a girl. No one but me seen this. This is part of where I lost faith in God, I would go to bed and put on one of mom's dresses and cry and pray to God that when I woke up I would be the girl I knew I was. I would wake up crying again asking why doesn't God love me and fix what was broken.


  I went through grade school hurting because I couldn't be the girl that I knew was inside me. All my best friends were girls clear through 7th grade or so. I could never bring myself to see girls as anything but friends, and to acknowledge the fact that I was attracted to several of the boys in my classes would have resulted in more pain and hurt then I was already suffering. Not to mention the beatings and verbal abuse my parents and the rest of my family would have given me.
 
  This went on till 10th grade in gym class. That year we had a foreign exchange student from Brazil, he was on the Brazilian national soccer team.  I attempted to block a kick from just inside of mid field and I took the full force of his kick right in my genitals.  Unlike other times when I was kicked or hit there, this time it didn't hurt, it was just a dull ache that gave me minor discomfort.  I was tender for like 2 weeks, after that eased I found out that nothing worked down there. I couldn't get aroused no matter how much I tried... None of the other forms of stimulation done anything either. 


  Now not only did I feel inside that I was broken, I was broken down below too.  I could no longer pretend to be a boy. This was almost crippling to my soul. Yet again another thing God used to hurt me..  I could now never be with a girl, because I couldn't fulfill her needs. I felt even more broken then ever before.  I went through college and all my adult life this way.


Last year I had kidney stones and the ER done an ultrasound and CT scan of my lower abdomen and genitals, they said that the nerves controlling those parts were severed. This explained why nothing works. I hope if/when I do get GCS they can do something to get function down there.


All these things have led to my lack of any real emotional or physical relationships.  Estrogen, although my parts aren't fixed, has started some feeling there which has been amazing.. Still no orgasms yet but I am emotionally aroused now. This is an amazing feeling.  I don't know if this is a real feeling or just emotions making me thing it's real, but I like it.  I can't self stimulate but I see certain things both guys and girls I get kind of a tingly feeling down below. 


  A few weeks ago I was driving over to visit and exercise with my cousin when this young <mid 20s> man was working out in his yard, no shirt on. You rarely see guys that age around here that aren't 300 pounds and almost never one actually working outside. He was hot and sweaty, very buff and had  a nice tan, OMG... He looked up at me as I drove by and smiled.. I almost had to hit the brakes. LOL that feeling hit me like a 2x4. It is kind of scary that that can hit while driving, I now need to keep my eye on the road a little better HEHE.

Lookout PANDORA!!!!!!

Sorry I have not posted in a while. Been tackling some other issues in my life.


I have an awesome story here, yes it is true.


Last month I started digging into makeup and learning some tricks to make my face look more female. Covering my beard shadow, applying foundation and concealer, brow shaping, eye makeup, etc.... 






This has been building my confidence in my ability to go into the public with minimal risk of being made fun of or worse..











  My aunt  has sent me some nice clothes she didn't sell in her yard sale, so I also have been experimenting on some fashion.  Well even though I still suck, hehe, I am building my courage up. 

I recently joined a group on Facebook called Transgender Beauty Network. this is an awesome group of people dedicated to help those like me build confidence and skills in the fine art of makeup. Most of the products are way out of my VERY low income budget but I managed to put together a decent kit. Brushes, primer, foundation, concealer, matte powder, blush, lipstick mascara, liner and shadow.

One of the administrators sort of adopted me, she has been an amazing inspiration. I have been talking to Tammy for a while now, and it seems we both love fishing on the piers. A few months back I mentioned that I was planning on going down to Atlantic Beach, NC.. fishing on Oceanana pier.

Well last week I told her that I would be there the week of the 12th. She had a few appointments on the 12th and 13th but was able to come down on the 14th.
I packed my fishing gear and my clothes, and decided to take a simple outfit with me as well as my makeup kit and see if she could help me figure out how to do my eyes. My liner skills SUCK!!!!... I just wanted to get some pictures of me done up right.
On the 14th, I met her on the pier and we talked for a while.. before deciding to go out to eat somewhere. I mentioned the restaurant across the street.
After we got to her room she helped me with some great ways to do my blush and eyes. After we got my makeup done I put on my outfit and it looked good to me..





















So good we decided it was time that I make my first public appearance without my old self mask on, as the woman I have always been on the inside. 

    We walked across the street and went inside. The experience was very scary and quite exhilarating. I was shaking the whole night inside but it got easier after about a half hour.
After we got seated the waitress asked us what would you ladies like to drink. WOW that felt great ladies, that was like WOW. Well like nothing I ever felt in my 47 years pretending to be someone I wasn't just to conform to the social norm.
It was an incredible time. Nobody questioned my gender or gave any uncomfortable looks or remarks. Even the managers seen me for who I really am, Laycie.

 
The meal was excellent but the company was better. I owe Tammy my deepest thanks and respect for her journey as well.... Without her it would have been years till I realized this life goal.
My next goal will be to come out to everyone else as well as to start living full time without the mask given me by my parents.

I AM WOMAN, I AM LAYCIE LYNN ADAMS....


After tonight, the 'Pandora's Box' has been opened.

HOPELESS, maybe not?

This part was in the middle of my breakdown on Sunday 17, 2014. It is painful to re-read and talk about but I have to do it to move on...
====================================================================




HEY I'M DOWN HERE...HELP!!!!!

My life seems so hopeless right now.  *** EDIT-- not so bad now***

I can't come out to my local family and friends.
 
It seems I have been causing others to be upset by the things I am posting in the G+ and FB groups I have been in. I realize that I shouldn't let what others say affect me so bad but I have always been this way. 

  My first ever emotional relationship ended after about a week by being crushed. My words have caused discord and distress in others.

 I am totally at a loss. How can I have hope when there appears there isn't any. 
                                                                          ***EDIT - I now see some***
 I tried contacting my therapist but her phone just keeps saying its out of range... GAHHH!!!!!!!! I forgot she was on sabbatical in Africa for at least 8 more days.

It terrifies me but for the first time in almost 2 years I am considering ending it all.
I am beginning to not care about anyone or anything now no reason to because no one really cares about me. A lot of people say they do but my soul has been so damaged that I have trouble believing anyone.   *** EDIT - No longer considering harming myself***


UPDATE:
 Thanks to the many friends, I didn't realize actually cared for me: Shannon, Cassandria, Ashley,  Angel, Michelle(G+), Mackenzie, Kendahl and Sarah, Jane, Michelle(FB), and DeAnna, I do owe them my heart and soul. They stuck with me in a VERY tough and dark time. Their kind and actually some stern words knocked some sense into me. I love them all. I probably missed a few I love and thank all the men and women in the communities I am in both on G+ and mostly Facebook.

I know I sounded like I was suicidal, while partly so, I could not do that, I have to take care of my mother and brother, they are the only physical connection I have to this world and I them.

Thank everyone for their concern it truly means the world to me.

I mainly want to thank my DEAR friend and who I consider my sister and my guardian angel, Shannon, without her encouragement I could never have climbed out of this dark dank well I was stuck in. She spent most of her day talking me out of the Dark. I could see it was hurting her to.
<---- This is how I see Shannon right now.


If any of my words in the past, now or future bother someone please confront me privately, I do not want any of my friends brought into things, I have caused them enough stress. I know they try and protect me but in doing so conflict starts and it crushes me.


+++++OMITTED+++++






Enough ranting for one night, Thank you for reading and being the light in my darkness.

NEVER BEEN KISSED

I've always been interested in girls/women. But my lack of confidence and the fact that I always felt I was broken and worthless kept me from it. Every time I tried talking to someone I was interested in they snubbed me off, which in my mind confirmed my feelings.  I now realize this isn't true, I love myself more and more every day thanks to the realization of my gender dysphoria and all my GREAT and WONDERFUL friends on G+ and FB.

This caused me to shy away from most interpersonal contact between me and anyone else. I never had the opportunity or for that fact I never wanted intimate relations with anyone. So YES I AM A VIRGIN,  partly by choice mostly by not caring.

Recently thanks to HRT, my emotions are coming in line with my true gender, I feel much more then I ever did. I cry over the slightest touching events on tv or real life, it's hard to hide sometimes. Mom seen me crying once and laughed at me.

Like my last post said, I found a new part of my being last week through the guise of some 'TROLL' who acted like he cared for me.. YES HE!!!.. Never in my entire life had I had feelings like that, let alone for a man. Even though he crushed me, I thank him for opening up my soul to have interest in bisexual relationships. Now I love both men and women, I see them passing and from time to time my heart skips a beat when they pass. Mom sees me looking at women thinking I would like to date them, while actually most of the time I think, "I want that outfit".. or "I would kill for her body.".. while some I would like to get to know them.

I realize I am 47, not getting any younger, but somewhere that little bomb will go off and I will meet someone who actually cares for me too. I hope it's soon hehe. I want to feel that way again. I WILL be more careful next time.

Enough ranting for now.. LOVE You all and thank you for reading my mumbling.


XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Shopping therapy..

I decided earlier that as a result of my heartbreak, that I deserved something for me, my first little black dress..

 

 

 

Was hard to smile but I think I deserved it. 

BAD/good Experience this weekend.

Started out last week adding a few new friends on Facebook. One friend in particular I hit it off with really well<so it seemed>.
 I know I am still naive on relationships, short history here I will go into more depth in my next post:
    I am 47 years old, and never been with anyone in a non platonic relationship, friends/family type, YES I am still a virgin as hard as that is to believe.

I've never considered a relationship with a male, but this guy floored me. He had my head so high in the clouds I could hardly think. Nobody ever treated me the way he did the first few days. We talked for several hours each day, I was careful not to divulge too much private information, as in my address, phone or anything that I considered too personal for a new acquaintance.  Again I am M2F what I considered a lesbian, never gave it a thought about liking a male.  Well here it comes, on Saturday he offered to buy me a phone and use his plan so we could talk voice to voice.  RED FLAG for me.. that would open me up to 1) owing him for the phone, 2) allow him to use the phone's GPS to find me RL.
  My senior thesis of my Bachelors degree was in network security, so I understand how EASY it is for someone to track you.
 
I told him that I couldn't do that, I hate phones. He told me how beautiful I was ..'wow I was turned on with that'  We exchanged messages for hours more. He was SMOOOTTHHHH!!.
I was so giddy and happy. Saturday, ..the next day.. things changed. He seemed to get frustrated that I wouldn't open up more to him. Then later that evening after I got back on from going to the store, I came on to a picture of an underwear/nylon clad crotch of a woman, this was clearly subversively taken under a table at a restaurant. I thought to myself WHOAH, major turn off. Yes I love girls, but this was a perverted act that scared me nearly witless. If he could do that to some unsuspecting date or just doing that period, what would he do to me if we met.  I've heard stories and they terrify me.

Needless to say my heart is broken because the my first lustful experience was crushed. I cried all night, and if it wasn't for my many friends online, most of which I consider family now, I would probably need counselling or even suicide watch.  I love you all. I am much better today though.

Now to the good thing, I learned that I couldn't only be interested in women. I found out that I could have a deep relationship with a guy too. Time to change my likes to Bi instead of female only.
    
     That's all for this rant.. LOVE all my dear friends here and Thank you all for your support and caring as well as your trust in me.

Intro

Thank you for the interest.
I am no good at writing so I will give it a try.

For those of you still interested, who I am.

   My true name "not my given name I always hated that' is Laycie Lynn, but you can call me Lace. The name comes from my love of frilly things and my true middle name which I always loved. I am a child of the 80s hair spray bands and mullets, but that doesn't effect my taste in music. I love nearly all types of music - classic to country, southern rock to deth metal to dubstep.
I live and have lived all my life in a small rural community in Southern Ohio, a lot of hard core religious types here, including most my family. That being said I have always been terrified that if I came out as who I really am I would be ridiculed and persecuted to the point my cousin was.
   My cousin's name was Bill. Right after he graduated from high school he came out to the family that he was in love with another man, my family shunned him and made him feel like he was worthless and the spawn of satan... He moved to Columbus because there is a open gay community there. He got Hepatitis or something HIV related and died, only a few of my family even mourned him, I still miss him to this day over 20 years later. Most were happy that the 'SINNER' was gone from the family. 
  This is why I, at the current time, can not go full time as myself. I take care of my CLOSED minded elderly mother and younger handicapped brother who I love with all my heart. I would leave but back in 2002 I made my late dad a promise that no matter what, I would personally take care of them, I NEVER break a promise intentionally, which is why I NEVER promise anything anymore.

   From the age of 5 or so I wanted to play with dolls, wear dresses do the stuff other girls done, by my body and family said otherwise. I would sneak some of mom's dresses to bed with me and wear them to sleep praying that I would wake up a girl. One day mom woke me up to go to school and seen me in her dress, well I had a beating coming there, "No child of mine is gonna be a damn queer!" right before my first lick with a leather belt. It wasn't till high school that I had a friend that was a boy, when all my best friends <girls> started puberty and noticing boys, none ever seen me as anything but a buddy.

  I went through college for my associates and bachelors degrees in electronics and computers. Even then most of my buddies were girls, yet again none seen me as anything but a buddy. Classes took my mind off my dysphoria, too much course work and activities, I was on the student senate, and the event planning board,  my last 3 years I worked in the engineering building on networking and computer repair.
  After I graduated it set in again harder then ever, why am I cursed to be in this ugly body that isn't really me? I considered self castration. Started on herbal hormones from a place in Colorado, they eased me some but just weren't what my body was craving. About 3 years ago I decided to give in to the world, Started exercising lost about 70 pounds, 270 down to 199. I figured I should just try and look like my body said I was. Went to GNC and got some supplements and T-Boosters, BIG MISTAKE... my body said HELL NO!!!!, my dysphoria kicked in TURBO... I quickly became COCKY and VERY Violent and mean I wanted to rip any one's head off that I came across. My brother done something, I can't remember what, and I snapped I went at him then caught myself.. I locked myself in my bedroom for 2 days only coming out to use bathroom and get water, I cried all that time. No more supplements for me.
  About a month after that snap I tied a rope to the doorknob and looped it over my pull up bar, made a noose on the end and put it around my neck while standing on a stool, I jumped, fortunately my knot skills suck the rope slipped loose. About 3 months later I done this again same result. I came to realize maybe I am here for some other reason.  Back in 2012 I found a college buddy on Facebook who I remember was studying to be a psychologist, sent her a friend request and she accepted, we started chatting and she remembers a lot of my struggles in the past, we've been Skyping a lot and she offered to help me. Therapy and just so happens she also got her PHD in endocrinology too.. OMG awesome.. She started me on the road to being myself. I can not tell her name so she doesn't get in trouble for treating someone out of country, she is married now and practices somewhere in Canada. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. She is there several times a week, she even gets me my HRT and blood work.
Since we re-kindled our friendship I have been so at peace with myself. Now I no longer have any suicidal or homicidal thoughts, my body is changing at a slow pace that we agree is the best for me due to my living conditions. We are keeping my levels in check on the lowest safe end of normal female levels.
   I will post more as I get the nerve.
   Hope I didn't scare anyone away.

Love you all!!
       Laycie Lynn.